closing the cover

I have been thinking (as usual) about what it is in a book that has such a strong pull for me.

The adventure, the fantasy, the escape, the fun, the romance, the thrill… all of these things and more.

But what pulls me more than anything? It is hard to say, but I think it may be that as lovely as a book is, it evetually ends. Even when we don’t want it to, the story is finite.

There is no true closure in life. Not really. Everything that has ever been finished, could potentially be dragged to the surface again. Everyday I wonder when some of the worst things I have hanging over my head will be gone and I can get on with my life… but it never happens.

There’s no end… it keeps going, and going – like the Engergizer Bunny.

With a book, you feel the pages slip away and then end coming near. I can be in the book and still close it, however much I don’t want to.

It is one my life’s greatest ironies, that there are books I would choose never to close if I could, and burn the copy of my own life at the same time. In paper-format, it would be nothing but a waste of trees and ink anyway.

But the time I spend lost in a book is golden.

And how I wish, wish, wish…

finding your passion

I’ve been hearing this, or topics containing this concept a lot lately. “You need to find what you’re passionate about”… to do, to live, to work, to write…

I can’t remember what I used to be passionate about and whatever it was, I don’t feel it anymore.

I’d much rather read a book. I can hide inside the pages like a child hiding behind a bush, and dream and dream.

I hate coming out of my books, more and more these days. I don’t want to be reminded of everything else out here… out there.

I especially hate Sunday nights because I’m that much closer to Monday mornings.

ego-me-centric

Okay, I know that practically everyone is ego-centric, (except for maybe Mother Teresa). It it so hard to not relate everything, in some way, back to yourself.

• Example 1.

Friend: I got a new puppy. She’s so cute!
Self: Oh, that’s great! I remember when my dog was a puppy…

• Example 2.

Friend: Whew! I just finished the worst exam ever! I’ll be lucky to pass… what if I don’t?
Self: You’ll be fine. I thought I wouldn’t pass my last class, but after talking to my professor…

We really can’t help it. Everything has to relate to ourselves in some way so that we can order it into our lives; put it in the right box so that we can understand it.

Recently my sibling and spouse announced that they’re going to have a baby. Wow! right? The first grandbaby in my family – I only have one sibling so it’s them or me providing offspring. And it’s not me.

I am so happy for them. I can’t explain it. I feel relief (that it’s not me); worried about them all; proud that my younger sibling is growing up; maybe some envy (that it’s not me).

But I also feel sad and… broken. I can’t help it, I’m relating it back to myself once again, even though I don’t want to… and the reality is that my younger sibling is about to become a parent and I’ve never even had a relationship.

(I can’t show anything but joy to them and the rest of the family, and I don’t want to; so I come here to write it out).

… it just feels like I’ve done something wrong. Both by 1. feeling this way when I should be happy for my family and 2. something that caused me to be so forgotten, so neglected, so invisible in this area of my life.

I guess I deserve to be alone, when I can’t focus on them for something so important.

annoyed

I have to say I’m getting very tired of people telling me that as a single, working person I should be free to do whatever I want.

There are some truths. I’m not tied down any place.

But neither can I seem to change my circumstances. I went to college and got my degrees, but that only resulted in debt. I loved college, don’t get me wrong, but it definately did not help my finances. I can’t get a better job, not only because of the economy, but because of how locked in I am.

I’m still taking short, little breaths, hoping that I won’t be charged for it. I’m drowning and there’s no way out, yet.

I can’t do anything that I want to, because I can’t afford it. I can’t change my circumstances because I can’t afford it. I can’t do anything.

I sear, if one more thing breaks, or goes wrong, I have nothing to fall back on except more and more debt that I will never get out of.

And to top it off, I get to do it all alone…

As my dad would say, if I didn’t have bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

missing pieces

I am missing my church.

Years ago (and I can’t believe it’s been that long), I moved for a job. I like the place I’m living – the city is nice and not too big.

But I’ve never found a church. I’ve only had a few people become actual friends – and I’m the only single one.

And now my sibling is graduating and moving from town to a new job far away.

It feels like there’s not much for me here, but nowhere to go.

I can’t afford to move anywhere else – not even back to the area I came from originally.

Hell, I can barely afford to breath.

And the worst of everything is not spending so much time alone, but not having a church-home. I feel lost and all the churches here have been disappointments and uninteresting.

… I kinda wish I could go home… but I don’t really have one.

horseback riding

Last night I was watching PBS (thanks to my homemade digital antenna, that was made for me!).

“Nature” – a program I haven’t seen in years – was about relationships between horse and rider; in different disciplines.

I always wanted lessons as a kid, but my parents couldn’t afford them. When I moved and began to work I started lessons and kept them up for a couple of years. Then I could no longer afford them and had to stop.

I watched that “Nature” program and missed my horseback lessons so much, I wanted to sign right back up for them. But being restricted by money is a painful pill.

I shouldn’t have watched it. I try to avoid things like that because I can’t afford to want it, which always happens when I watch it.

That’s me, always watching.

Unfortunately its my reality to always want to do things that cost too much.

People always say, you should just go out and do what you want. But it’s never that realistic. I can’t afford to do mo..re than watch what I want. And that’s just depressing.

Always that unreachable star, for me…

“Strike the Gay Harp” – Sunday afternoons are for celtic music

Yes, I enjoy celtic music quite a bit. And I have quite a collection on my computer. And I love it all from Natalie MacMaster to The Chieftains; the Bothy Band to Capercaillie. Two of my very favorite groups are “Old Blind Dogs” from Scotland and “Lintie” who tend to sing a lot of Scottish songs, but also lots of everything else as well.

Scottish music has the slightest edge over the traditional Irish, or any of the other traditions, in my mind. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve wanted to visit Scotland longer, or if I really hear a difference in the two – and there are differences.

www.kopn.org

I’ve found a radio site that has a really  good celtic program – Sundays, of course. Which is why Sunday afternoons are devoted to celtic music. “Strike the Gay Harp” is a wonderful program. And no, it is not about the Gay/Lesbian political agenda. The name comes from an Irish song that has been around a lot longer than the current meaning of “gay”. So don’t freak out, and give it a try.

Today is one of my favorite types of programs because the host is focusing on Scottish music. Every is wonderful, but for some reason I’m always going to enjoy these days just that little bit more.

yeah, i know i’m a freak of nature

I’ve gone for years – literally, YEARS – not remembering and trying to forget how unusual I am in the relationship arena. I figure there are others like me, out there. Statistically there has to be.

But then I see things like how the world reacted to Susan Boyle (Britain’s Got Talent) joking how she’d never kissed, and I realize that while I don’t want to remember it, I am in fact not normal, in this way.

I can’t do anything about it. It just is. I can’t change it because I’m just not that personality type – if I was, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want meaningless. I don’t want… to inflict myself on anyone.

No one’s ever been interested in me and parts of me have forgotten to care. The other part just shuffles the hurt aside, because I can’t function if I allow it sway.

I remind myself: “Be strong”, “It doesn’t matter, I mean, really it doesn’t.”, “you’re life doesn’t fit for a relationship anyway”, and “you’re better off alone”.

And they work. For the most part…

… do you have any idea how many of the songs on the radio are love songs?

dualities and heart murmurs

In my last post I was writing about duality and here’s a great example.

In between that post and this one I had a doctor’s appointment. Now maybe she was wrong and further testing is obviously needed, but she believes that I have aortic disease, murmur. It was pretty apparent and she’s concerned because I’m relatively young, but not a child – which makes it rather unusual (evidently), though not unheard of.

I don’t know much yet, but I’m trying very hard not to connect how the part of me that has believed that I will die without even being kissed, with this problem – it’s too close to reality… I know it’s way too soon to say, but even the suggestion is tearing and thoughts are difficult to control.

Especially because heart disease runs in my family – any concerns heart-related tends towards the “bad”.

Also if it is true, it will confirm that I won’t have my own children. My father’s family has terrible genes for heart disease – it runs rampant. And I don’t believe in passing on such things if we’re aware of them. The population is sick enough as it is.

I’ve only told one of my friends – at least until the echocardiogram.

So here I am telling my news to the internet community, when I can’t tell my own family… there will be time enough for that, I guess.

But “forever” with someone is farther than it’s ever been.

duality online

I’m beginning to see that everyone expresses duality on the internet. Normally that includes the creepy guys pretending to be kids to entrap prey – and while those people need to be unequivocally stopped, the rest of us are hypocrites if we don’t see that we have many different sides we show online as well.

I began wanting to blog to allow myself freedom to express myself. The problem is that if people I know are reading my blog, I still can’t express myself fully… at least, not without them feeling free to bring up any topic I’ve exposed at a later time.

So, what did I do? I began a second blog. One without my or any names so that I could write anything and not be confronted by people I know with that information.

And it works to an extent. No one I know is aware of this blog which leaves me free to express all confusion and pain; any idea or thought.

Of course, no one has really helped with any situation that I’m drawn to express here either – not that they can.

But that’s the price of anonymity. And duality.